Dating help and advice
Find the partner you've always wanted
Your personal audit
If you’re like the many single people I’ve talked to, you’re probably thinking all the good potential partners seem to be taken. You may have taken a lot of time and effort on your appearance and going to places where other singles are supposed to be? You may be wondering what’s wrong with me? What am I, some kind of freak? The only people I seem to attract are scruffy and thick, or weird? Sounds like you? And all around you are people who aren’t even that good looking, but have the love of their life and are happy. It’s a pretty depressing situation.
Maybe there is actually something wrong with you, but, I really don’t think so. What I do know is of you are going to change things around from where they are now, you’re going to have to make some pretty drastic changes.
Looking for a partner is competitive. Some people refer to it as a game, which makes it sound a bit cheap I know, but the reality is that it is a game…but a game you can play with integrity and genuineness, as long as you have the right kind of confidence and self awareness.
So how do you stop getting involved with losers and timewasters and meet the love of your life? The first step is being honest with yourself about where you are right now. It can be painful sometimes to be honest with yourself about strengths and weaknesses…but knowing yourself will give you a confidence that turns people on to you and attracts the kind of person you really want to meet.
It’s about having the self esteem and self respect to be yourself, not what you think people want you to be.
Right now, would you date you? Do you believe in yourself enough to convince others to do so too? If your love life up to now has been one disaster after another, well I’m here today to convince you that you deserve so much better, but our action plan has to start first with some work on you.
We all give out non verbal messages suggesting what we will take off other people – spoken language accounts for less than 10% of what we are actually telling people when we communicate. Your facial expressions and body movements can contradict every word you say. Past experiences can lead you to believe certain things about yourself which mean you devalue yourself and communicate this in different ways– this is wrong – but it is understandable.
With some people these past experiences are so difficult to get over they affect every new relationship. Some people need professional help to work through their issues and counselling may well be a route to consider if you are unable to move on from your past and feel you make the same mistakes with each new partner.
Please look at this list of statements and see if any of them apply to you – tick if so.
rarely sometimes often
I have to hide my true self from others
I have feelings of guilt or shame
I am not intelligent
I have something wrong with me
I have little confidence
Certain members of my family/friends are
better than me
I often feel like a fraud about to be
found out
I am difficult to love
I have little or no control over my actions
I am damaged goods
I am boring to others
Happiness is something other people have
I don’t deserve the things I want in life
I am scared of being hurt or humiliated
If you have ticked more than 5 of these in the ‘often’ box there may be some issues counselling can help you with. If you have ticked any of the other boxes it may be time for you to make the decision to do some work on your confidence and self esteem – reading this today is a fantastic start.
If I convince you of nothing else it’s that positive thinking is the only way to turn your love life around. Actively practising positive thinking and replacing negative thoughts about yourself with self promoting ones will mean you go on to emanate the kind of confidence your future partner will find irresistible. Your inner demons will always seek to destroy the good things you do that you may not be giving yourself credit for. We’re talking about you being in control and if you ever have a sense of desperation, making that vanish.
So, who are you? What will your future partner be getting when you choose them? Write on a slip of paper, if you will, or simply hold the thought in your head.
I am………………………………………………………………………
How many people do you think will auotomatically describe themselves in terms of their job? How many in terms of their relationship to someone else – daughter, son, father, mother etc? How about you? Have another go and this time think about who you really are.
How does it make you feel, having to describe yourself?
Many people find this exercise frustrating or annoying, or upsetting, because they aren’t used to writing, talking or even thinking about themselves. But if you are going to move on and get the relationship you want, you have to start building yourself up and accept how you are 100%.
This doesn’t mean letting yourself go or being lazy about yourself. It’s a fact whether we like it or not that people do go by appearance. But there are qualities you can’t change like height, background, upbringing, intelligence and these are part of who you are.
Today is about forgetting about luck and understanding that love doesn’t happen by accident – it takes work and effort and it can be done. Before we move on I would like you to spend a bit of time thinking about your good qualities:
Tick the qualities that are a part of you and add any others that come to mind, as long as they are positive:
Compassionate Tolerant
Caring understanding
Thoughtful knowledgeable
Give good advice supportive
Loving attitude carefree
humourous intellectual
Laugh easily wise
Fun loving organised
Open minded good provider
Friendly good parent
Sociable hard worker
Non judgemental romantic
Kind sharer
Warm hearted articulate
Affectionate expressive
Gentle creative
Relaxed willing to
compromise
Calm
Attentive good negotiator
Good host
Honest can you specify other positive qualities here?
Genuine
Accepting
Patient
Good listener
Taking an audit of yourself is essential if you’re going to move forward and what you have done in this exercise is start to package yourself ready for the partner who deserves you. I would like to ask you to describe yourself in about 20 words – nothing negative though! It’s optional of course but be brave? Why not have a go at it now …
People who are successful in finding love either consciously or unconsciously work out their best traits and use them to their advantage. You might be thinking at this moment well I’m sorry but I’m just not that special…all I can say is how many others are there out there who are you? Your uniqueness is your strength. Of course it’s true that you won’t be everyone’s cup of tea – none of us are. But if you set out to people please, being all things to all people and try to second guess what you think your partner wants, you’ll keep coming up against the same brick wall.
There is such a thing as an uncomfortable comfort zone. Even if you’re unhappy where you are right now, it’s that feeling that it’s better to stick with what you know than take a risk and be the person you could be. If you haven’t been in a relationship for a long time, you’re probably looking for the wrong person or are too narrowly defining the qualities you want in a partner.
You really don’t need to feel you’re fighting a losing battle every time you meet someone – with confidence and self acceptance they can be the ones coming to you instead. But it needs positive hard work on your side to change this situation around, and part of that includes you making yourself number one.
Think about celebrities and the like in the news – people who aren’t that good looking or even intelligent and yet somehow they’re making it. How did certain celebrities or actors ever make it when they're fat, small and bald? Because they're talented, likeable and distinctly different from everyone else. Or maybe they're charismatic and have a powerful personality. Who can you think of who just isn't that attractive but somehow attracts?
This is about making you realise that even if you don’t fit the ‘standard’ you can still find the love of your life. The most famous love stories – and millions of unknown ones – are about people who are unconventional and nowhere near the ‘norm’. The key is to find the confidence to let your genuine personality shine through and using what you have been given to its best advantage. Past bad experiences can only prepare you for the future – why waste all that knowledge? Use it to your advantage rather than letting it weaken you.
More next time....dating myths exposed!
