Dating dilemmas
Ask Fay to help with your dating dilemmas. You may not like the response, but she's honest, down to earth and has most likely been in the same boat.
Send your dating dilemmas via the guest book or email us
I don't understand what he wants
We had to work on the same projects together at work and that, of course, helped our attraction to grow. I was making plans for my birthday and he asked me what I would be doing. I told him I would be coming into town. He said he wanted to meet me.
We went shopping that afternoon. In every shop we stopped and could not keep our hands off of each other. In the car he held my hand and kissed it softly while he drove. Yes, this was a first date. By the time we got back to work Monday, we were both head over heels. He didn't waste any time letting me know that he wanted us to go out together and I didn't have to ask "where is this relationship going?"
As if seeing each other 8 hours a day wasn't enough we had to talk and be with each other all the time. This is week one by the way, in case I've lost you. We both said how mad it was how fast everything was happening. Once we were kissing goodbye as we left work and he mumbled that we could be married in a year. Obviously he's not scared of commitment... although the comment scared me I'll admit.
In week two he said I could stay at his 4 days a week to save my long travel from my place in the country into work each day. I asked him if he wouldn't get sick of me. He said he would love to have me around.
So when did it all come crashing down? We decided to spend the following weekend in the Lake District together. He told me to bring my stuff for work so I wouldn't have to go back home. After a long journey up the M6 we found a really nice restaurant but it was late by then, the place was packed, and we and had to wait over an hour before they finally told us the kitchen was closing.
Anyway we were both hungry and tired and by the time we got to the hotel he had booked we were arguing. While we were waiting in the restaurant I had been drinking on an empty stomach and in the room probably said more than I would normally. Things got out of hand, so I packed my stuff and demanded to go home, but not before I had told him what I thought of him.
Of course the real enemy was the shoddy service in the restaurant. The next day at home on my own I felt terrible and instead of calling like I should have, I sent an email apologising but also telling him that he wasn't an innocent in the situation either.
He didn't respond, didn't call, and when I tried to talk at work he was very distant. When I finally got him to talk he said that he based the success of his relationships on the woman's ability to handle conflict. And if we were fighting like this, this soon, it could only get worse. He said he couldn't be stressed as he's trying to pursue his career and he wouldn't allow anything in his life that doesn't make him happy.
Fay says
It sounds like he has gone into his cave to consider the situation, but you have to face the fact that he might well be having seconds thoughts. Alarm bells should always start ringing if someone wants to commit really early in a relationship, without getting to know you properly as a person. How could he know you well enough to live with you after only a couple of weeks? If someone is that quick to get serious, it is equally likely they will be quick enough to change their mind. Maybe he needs to do some work on himself too, but I would suggest you consider how your 0-100 mph reaction to the restaurant fiasco affected his feelings for you and apply your conclusions to future situations where a cool head is needed. Nothing puts a man off more than a drama queen.
Sneaking a peek
My new partner has always been cagey with his mobile, so a few days ago I sneaked a look and a woman’s name came up.
When I asked him about it he said it was a woman he met in his local, before he met me, and since then she had persistently texted him. He got really narked about me looking at his phone and my attitude and said he wanted time apart. I was devastated but agreed and we just saw each other once a week.
Eventually I had enough and told him it was over. He got upset and said he loved me so we didn’t split up. But since then he has been grumpy and is saying this is now a trial period.
I looked on his phone again – I couldn’t stop myself- and there were graphic messages and photos from the same woman. My gut feeling is to say nothing and hope it will blow over.
Fay says
First off it was definitely out of order to look at his mobile phone - how would you feel if someone was snooping on you like that? I'm not surprised he got upset with you and he is probably wondering if you have issues with trust and control. However that said he is also in the wrong not being straight with you about this other woman and it sounds like he's hedging his bets rather than thinking of a committed relationship. If you are happy with a no strings fling with this guy then stay in the situation, but my guess is you want more than that.
When is a relationship not a relationship?
I met a guy over the internet. It was first name basis, it was meeting late at night, and it was fantastic.
Afterwards, he really wanted me to stay the night so I did. I know the rules, though, and didn't call him. He called me a day later and asked to meet up again. Since then we've met up a lot, and we’re always texting each other. Most of the time the texts are just of a sexual nature. We've been out together, and cook for each other, and have a really good time. He even suggested having a day out together.
I lost it a bit with him a few days ago. I know, the last thing a man wants in a just-friends situation is drama. I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore because I liked him too much, and I could see myself developing feelings for him and getting hurt.
He was shocked that I wanted to end it, and told me that he would be really sad if he never saw me again. He told me that he liked spending time with me, and that liking him too much was a stupid reason to stop seeing him. He said that yes, he wants just sex, but that sex is a good starting point.
My questions are these: can being just-friends ever be considered a form of dating? When you date someone and have sex with them, it does take a little while before a man decides to be officially in a relationship anyway? What's the difference if you start out with the sex first and get to know each other afterwards? Am I getting my hopes up and plain deluded? Or is this the start of a real relationship?
Fay says
In answer to your questions, my opinion is that just-friends is usually more convenient for the man than for the woman, but if you can handle sex without a relationship, good on you. Personally I have no experience of this type of situation turning into a committed relationship, but that doesn't mean it can't happen, and maybe he will decide to be in one with you some day...but do you really want to be hanging around waiting? Most of the people I have asked about this letter say sex first isn't generally the best way of starting out, and sex is much better if you wait to get to know someone first. So I'm a bit pessimistic for you here, sorry.
Too shy
I am not the best with the ladies at all… I had one long term relationship 3 years back, but that’s a long story so I won't go into it. Of course the loneliness gets to me but I hope to put it all right as soon as I can.
I've known this lady for around a year let's say; I don't see her that often but she seems to appear in my life in short bursts and then goes away again. I can truly say she is the best female I have ever met so far in my life, really the woman of my dreams.
She looks stunning beyond belief, and has the personality of an angel. She is shy but I find that appealing. Other ladies I see around don't do it for me like she does. I think about her every single day even when I haven't seen her for a while - she really means a lot to me.
I even ask her mum how she is when I see her, and she says how she wishes for her to 'settle down with a nice man, like me'. But that's how mums are and in my village everyone knows everyone. The last time I saw her was around 4 months ago before last Saturday night.
I saw her Saturday in our local which was a nice surprise considering it could have been the usual boring night. She looked the best I have ever seen her look, my heart was racing like mad and I got nervous. But I calmed down and went over to her and started a conversation, something which I don't have trouble doing with her (to my surprise).
We talked about general things, work, life, friends etc. She responded just as much, she smiled, giggled and I tried as much eye contact as possible. With people telling me from the outside that she 'looks interested in you', and I agree it looked that way. We said our goodbyes and she went home, and I walked home frustrated with myself.
I couldn't take the next step, every part of me wanted to go for her there and then as any red blooded chap would. But something was holding me back, it could have been self doubt, me thinking that she can't possiby like a bloke like me and it all going wrong if I tried.
Yet I'm told that I'm a good looking and interesting man by lots of people.
I saw my best mate on Sunday and I asked him what he does to overcome this. He said he used to be like me, but something just 'snapped' with him one day and now he finds it easier. Yet I just can't see myself overcoming it that easily. But there has to be a way to get past this mental barrier, it's making me miserable and is now affecting my life. Especially when I see people my age so far ahead and happy with a partner.
Fay says
You sound like such a nice person and I really felt for you reading this letter. It's a vicious circle sometimes when you are on your own a long time; you want to make a move but you are scared of rejection and so you stay in your uncomfortable comfort zone. I would advise you make preparations for what you are going to say to this girl to ask her out - she sounds great and I am sure she won't disappoint you. It sounds daft but practising in front of the mirror will help, so you have a rehearsed script in mind when you next chat to her. Just start with a really simple suggestion like meeting for a coffee in town on a Saturday morning, and take it form there hun. Try not to think of it as a big date, but as meeting up for a bit of a chat.
Still miss my ex
I am 31, in a relationship for more than a year, but not satisfied.
Before this relationship I was single for about two years, suffering as a result of my ex-boyfriend who admitted that he had never actually loved me. The trouble is that I still want him. I haven't seen or heard from him for more than a year.
Also, I found out that he is about to get married to another woman. All in all, I realise that he should be in the "past tense" of my life! But, he's still an obsession that doesn't leave me alone.
I still wake up every morning with him as my first thought, more than three years after we broke up. It was much worse one year ago when I was single. I even had suicidal thoughts so I asked for professional help and went for counselling. It helped a bit - but I didn't feel completely cured, so I gave up going.
When I started going out with my new boyfriend I thought he might help to forget my ex and it seemed to work at first. But over the last six months I've come to realise that I do not have much in common with my new boyfriend, and I stay with him only because I'm afraid to be alone again. I compare him to my ex. Also, he's immature and I do not enjoy having sex with him. I am afraid to be alone.
I'm also afraid that my lust for my ex will be bigger and more frustrating if I was alone again. Is it a real love or I am acting like spoiled child whose wish wasn't satisfied? Or am I too proud to admit that I haven't caught "my prey"? If so, how can I help myself? I do not want my mood to depend on my unsatisfied love.
I know my happiness is not only about my love life. I have an excellent professional and social life, but I still suffer with these thoughts.
Fay says
In my opinion you are using this obsession with an ex as a way of avoiding focusing on the present tense of your life and certain issues to do with your self esteem. You know yourself deep down that your ex and you are finished, and you have to realise that no man is ever going to make you happy if you are not happy within yourself. You will continue to go from one relationship to another searching for happiness that no other person can provide for you if you do not find it within yourself first. I know you said counselling didn't help, but you really didn't give it long enough to find out- maybe you were scared of facing up to issues you have hidden so far. Some children grow up being punished for revealing their feelings and this can lead to mental health issues in later life - I would strongly recommend you retry counselling and start on the journey you need to make to personal contentment - and you will find thoughts of your ex fade and disappear, and you fall in love with yourself.
Greener grass
Whenever I am seeing someone and it starts to turn into a relationship it seems like the feelings of attraction I had before go away and I end up breaking up with her. But as soon as I do, the feelings of attraction come back!
At the moment I'm seeing someone and it is starting to get quite serious but I don't want the same thing to happen again. I can already feel my feelings beginning to slide, but at the same time I really like her. I just know if we break up I will want her again just as badly and I will end up like a yo-yo again.
It seems like I'm looking for perfection which is never going to happen and I just get really fussy and find faults in my partners.
I never seem to realise how happy a partner actually make me until we’re finished, and only focus on the bad points.
Could I please have your advice as to why I always seem to follow the same pattern in relationships? If a person clearly isn't interested in me, then I will chase them like crazy, and when I am single I want to be in a relationship.
But when I have met someone, and it actually goes well, and my date begins to really like me, then I automatically find faults with them (which I have done this time too) and use it as an excuse to run away.
This lady I have just started dating was perfect, and I did find her attractive, but now I know that she wants a relationship I have suddenly stopped fancying her. If I hadn't had done this so many times before I could just write it off as just going off someone, but I am constantly doing this and it is obviously making relationships with anyone impossible. Why am I doing this and what should I do? I want to run but I also want to work this through properly.
Confused and lonely!
Fay says
This is an issue with self esteem and with confidence. You are expecting far too much from your partners and expecting them to be 'perfect' and make you feel good as a result because someone 'perfect' wants to be with you. But your confidence is so low that when they start to show affection, you can't believe that someone 'perfect' like them would actually want you, and so they then diminish in your eyes. Yes the human brain is complex! In fact no one on this earth is perfect and what's more in the adult world no one else is responsible for how you feel about yourself. You have quite a lot of growing up to do, I'm afraid, before you can really commit to another person, and this should start with building up your personal confidence rather than transfering how you feel about yourself onto your partners. Have you considered counselling?
Internet profiles
I am in a brand new relationship and we really clicked from the beginning.
Here is my problem: about 2 weeks ago I found a profile of his on MySpace where he says he is 'looking for friends and dating.' The issue is that he has updated his profile since we met, and some much younger girls are listed as his friends.
Once I knew he had this profile online, I logged on numerous times a day to see if he had logged on and if more comments were posted. It absolutely drove me up the wall!
Then, anytime I wasn’t seeing him, I assumed he was out with one of these girls. I exploded one day, accused him of seeing other women, and broke up with him. However, all of the time I was having a go at him, I wasn't sure if I was just imagining things.
In his defence, he had introduced me to all of his friends as his girlfriend. So on one hand I felt secure and good about what was going on, on the other hand I was just so afraid he was going to break my heart.
After all this drama, a few days later I broke down, apologised to him and we made up. He took me out to dinner a few days later and he wanted to talk about us. He told me he sees a potential for us to be together forever. He didn't like my accusations and doesn't want it to happen again. I still haven’t told him I know about his MySpace site.
I really like him and don't want to mess things up with my insecurities.
Fay says
First of all it's early days in this relationship and so you really should try not to panic about what's happening. Women quite often ruin promising situations by over analysing and insisting on a greater commitment than a man wants to give too soon after they meet. The result is the man runs away and the women ends up thinking men are commitment shy. They aren't - very few men stay single all their lives. They just like to take their time, that's all! Having said that, your man isn't being completely straight with you by advertising himself for dating on a social networking site while saying you're his girlfriend, and this suggests he's a long way from having a serious relationship with anyone, if that's what you're expecting right now. My advice is to relax, enjoy his company, but not see this as anything more than dating for the time being. If you keep making scenes with him he will eventually give up on you, as I'm sure you already know. As for mentioning the site, my action would be to mention it in a non-confrontational way, mention the dating thing and see how he reacts. He may have forgotten that he's got that line on his site and should be happy to remove it if he's genuine about you being his girlfriend. Only one way to find out, sister!
